MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Despite expectations to the contrary, the recent purchase of an Apple iPhone has left Geoffrey Glocke’s life relatively unchanged.

CINCINNATI, OH – A Twitter outage has prevented local teen Dakota Lundstrom from communicating with her friends about her love of waffles.

LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been so long since I’ve written a column! Hello, my lovelies, it is I, your ever vigilant reporter of all things that are good, Beth Sinclair!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After more than 50 years of failed attempts, the Central Intelligence Agency finally succeeded in eliminating all Kennedys from American politics with the passing of Edward “Ted” Kennedy.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training.

CRAZYTOWN, US – The Mayor of Crazytown, Captain Artimis Buckminster III, says the protesting that has accompanied recent health care reform town halls has been well within his expectations.

TAMPA BAY, FL – A local Caucasian man has added a tattoo to his back consisting of several Chinese characters that are supposed to represent the words “extreme” and “radical.”

SANTA CRUZ, CA – An epidemic is sweeping the nation as the popular website Twitter is being used more and more regularly to post vague and generally uninteresting messages.

TORONTO, CANADA – The Canadian based Research in Motion is set to unveil its next generation Blackberry next month and the cell phone industry is abuzz with the limited information that’s been made available.

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – After suffering several military defeats in recent weeks, the Taliban is calling for a return to peace talks and to prove its willingness to comply with any new cease fire, Taliban officials have distributed puppies and kittens to every household within the capital city.
“(The Taliban) want peace and we want to give people of Pakistan peace.”