WASHINGTON D.C. – After month’s of bitter arguing and failed attempts at rebuilding their relationship, President Bush and Iraq President Saddam Hussein have agreed to attend couples counseling. Both plan on retreating to Camp David with world-renowned therapist Kelli Steinberg later this month.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Reality TV is about to get a whole lot more real. Over the past couple months, viewers have seen the Osbournes stir up trouble and say the word “fuck” a lot on MTV and this month Americas favorite fat-girl-gone-cute-girl-gone-super-rich-gone-super-fat-girl, Anna Nicole Smith debuts her own version of the reality TV show on E!. Oh what a great time to be alive!

WASHINGTON, DC – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President Bush unveiled his Homeland Security Plan stating that “this plan will protect Americans from shore to shore – and all those people in between. Unless of course you are a terrorist, then you won’t be safe.”

PHOENIX, AZ – While driving to Phoenix from The Grand Canyon, Mississippi residents Harold Studamaker and his wife Jean stopped at the Native American owned Cliff Castle Casino for some fun and gambling, but left with only disappointment and confusion.

VICTORIA, TX – Last week, the small Texas town of Victoria celebrated completion of its 700 million dollar construction project assuring that every residence and building will be “Bear free, now and forever.” The project, referred to as Bear-Be-Gone, took 12 years to complete during which there was not a single bear attack within the city limits.

DES MOINES, IA – During a press conference given to the Sports Writers Guild of America, God announced the sports teams that he will be “pulling for” this year. The announcement came as a surprise to sportswriters all over the country, as previously, God’s dealings in the sports world were held secret until the championship game where he is thanked by the winning team.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The Winter Olympics took another hit Thursday as Ecuadorian officials announced they will be boycotting the 2006 games unless sweeping changes are made to the organization and structure of the Olympics.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to “update their image,” several well known religious figures made surprise guest appearances last week on the Jenny Jones Show for a segment entitled “Righteous Makeovers.” During the show, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu and Mohammed each took turns with hair stylists and fashion consultants, each hoping the new looks will help them come across to a new generation of worshipers that are more in tune with the world of high fashion.