PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Mere weeks after their protest of the PGA’s Masters tournament, members of the hate group the Klu Klux Clan have petitioned several local ice cream suppliers this week to remove the flavor chocolate from the popular Neapolitan ice cream. The group states that combining the dark chocolate ice cream with the white vanilla is “against God’s will.”

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Conspiracy theorists across the globe were redeemed this week as it was revealed that the true man behind the war in Iraq is not George W. Bush but rather Charlie Anderson, President of the Country Music Association.

WASHINGTON D.C. – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President George W. Bush laid out his administration’s plan for post-war Iraq or as he referred to it “New Texas.” Bush plans to meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and other world leaders to discuss the plan later this month but detailed the plan in full for the American public.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.

CHATTANOOGA, TN – In a shocking move, Defense Lawyer Drew McAllen played the race card during the trial of Ron Willis, however the card was immediately beaten by a Level 3 Wood Ogre with a Plus 7 Axe of Wonder. The Ogre card, presented by Prosecuting Attorney Andre May sealed the win for the prosecutors trying and lead to a murder conviction for Willis.

NEW YORK, NY – Taking advantage of an advertised special, singer Christina Aguilera received a free car stereo with the purchase of a new pair of breast implants. Aguilera made the decision to increase her bust size shortly after seeing a newspaper advertisement announcing the special.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA – Shortly before boarding the “Mother Ship” actor Dustin Diamond addressed his fans and “family” apologizing for his departure from the planet Earth but leaving the door open for possible future visits.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The war of words between current Rap bestseller Eminem and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter escalated this week as both released new singles taking verbal jabs at the other.