HOLLYWOOD, CA – Holy crap on a crutch! It seems like forever and a day ago that I got to write one of these articles. But never fear, my adoring pubic… I mean public, it is I, Beth Sinclair and I am here to tell you what is going on in this crazy little world I call HollyAsskickFucktasticLand!

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Global Warming becoming the hot topic among television and radio talk show hosts, celebrities have begun using their massive political influence and scientific expertise to help protect and revive aspects of the environment.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my shining little readers, it is I, Beth Sinclair and boy do I have things to tell you! It seems like forever ago that I got to talk to all my little Beth-heads out there.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Months of speculation was ended this week as the child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie signed with talent agent Omar Riz. The signing came as a shock to many as neither Pitt nor Jolie are associated with Riz.

IRVIVE, CA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, is disappearing from existence, becoming more and more transparent with each passing day. If she is unable to reverse the process, McCarthy will disappear from reality altogether in a matter of weeks.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my fervent fans, it is I, Beth Sinclair here to dish all that is fit to be dished. Wow, it seems like it has been almost forever since I got to talk to all my little children. If my memory serves me correctly, and I’m pretty sure it does, I was just a fresh faced young virgin the last time I wrote a column. Yeah right! You all should know me better than that. But seriously, I have been busy as a prostitute at a Star Trek Convention giving freebies to all the virgins who are over 30.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a deal reportedly worth more than 20 million, both of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have been signed to star in a big screen adaptation of the TV show “Cagney and Lacey.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hey kiddies, Beth here and oh my, how the months have been coming quickly as of late. Just like me! I’m serious, if someone even touches me I pop like a Champaign bottle. But enough about my little foibles. It seems like just last month that I was freezing my tits off, trying to find a special someone to warm me up – inside and out. But now the snows have thawed and my young nubile mind has turned to other, more serious thoughts.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of Professional Boxing, the pornography industry will soon allow companies to sponsor actors and actresses. The Porn Actors Guild has OK’d the use of temporary tattoos on performers during filming of adult films.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Amid several high profile “lapses in tasteful programming,” the FCC announced Tuesday that it will be tightening restrictions starting with this year’s batch of Holiday themed specials. The announcement comes just weeks after ABC’s use of a half naked women on Monday Night Football to advertise one of the channel’s other shows.