WASHINGTON, D.C. – What Republicans across the nation feared has come to pass as the new Democrat controlled Congress unleashed its gay loving, tree hugging, god hating, anti-American agenda on the American public.

SEATTLE, WA – In an effort to improve efficiency and reduce costs, many U.S. companies have begun turning to ninjas to meet security needs. Ninjas, mythical warriors from Japan are in hot demand these days as companies have realized how versatile an asset the ninja can be when used in security functions.

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.

CHICAGO, IL – Despite the gloomy forecast for this year’s holiday spending, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the eight hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. The increased toy sales is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – The nations of Earth came together last month as several cities in the United States of America and Canada suffered a crippling blackout which lasted nearly two days. Relief packages were dropped by the Rwanda National Air Force in New York City, Cleveland, Detroit and Toronto.

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”