HOLLYWOOD, CA – Excitement is building as several new television shows are set to debut in the next several weeks as networks kick off their new fall schedule.

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republicans begins picking their Presidential candidate, one person is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: the Roman god of wealth.

IOWA CITY, IA – Customers at a local coffee shop are becoming increasingly annoyed at a woman who will not stop talking about the book she is reading.

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars” DVDs and a British Couple has caused an international incident.

ATLANTA, GA – A report has drawn a direct line between the sex-slavery trade and milkshakes. The report is a result of more than five years of research by the University of Georgia.

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.

ANN ARBOR, MI – According to her friends and family, new mother Josephine Montrell is “going a little overboard” in celebrating her baby’s first Christmas.

OLSO, NORWAY – An international team of scientist have finally put to rest any debate about global warming saying that recent snow showers across the globe prove that that the earth is not getting warmer.