PORTLAND, OR – As several states now require people to wear masks to slow the spread of COVID-19, Nike is set to release a new Nike Air Face Mask that will utilize air pump technology to contour the mask to the wearer’s face.
“At Nike, our focus is always about money and then also about fashion and then about comfort and then about money again and then also somewhere down the line safety,” said Nike Marketing Director, Clifford Watson. “When we saw states beginning to require people to wear masks because of the coronavirus thing, we pulled a team together to come up with ways Nike could be a part of that solution and also make a ton of money. And our designers have really come up with something special. Innovative yet also a throwback to a time when we didn’t have to wear masks.”
The inflation mechanism for the mask will be red, rounded push-pump positioned in the top center of the mask.
“To inflate the mask, which allows the mask to contour to your face, you press the red pump at the center of the mask, right about where your nose is,” said Nike Director of Product Development, Carl Jacoby. “To let you know that the pump is working we’ve added just a little tiny squeak to the pump so when you press the pump you will hear that squeak and you’ll know it’s filling full of air. Oh, and FYI, if you pump the mask up too much you’ll suffocate so… you know, try not to do that.”
Designers say the air pump feature will provide extra comfort and allow for an aerodynamic form to the mask.
“Even though people need to wear masks now they’ll still need to exercise and look cool doing it,” said Nike Air Face Mask designer, Ganesh Carmody. “With Nike being the innovators that we are, we knew that we had to do something. We put our best guys on it for a crazy weekend full of Red Bull and meth and this is what we came up with. I gotta say, I’m impressed. The fact that we were able to concentrate, with all that meth and all of the hookers that (Nike) brought in… wow. I still have no idea how we did it. Now we just have to ship the manufacturing designs to China so some little kids can start making these things for us.”
In addition to the air pump, the mask will feature a small sack just under the nose to filter the air coming in and going out of the mask.
“The Nike Air Sack is something totally new. We designed the sack to capture viruses so the person wearing the mask doesn’t have to be concerned about spreading viruses or getting viruses,” said Jacoby. “Of course we have no idea if it actually filters viruses and we will deny any claim that we did say it works in court but it definitely looks cool. Who doesn’t want a cool looking sack hanging on their face? Heck, I know I do!”
The Nike Air Face Mask was designed in collaboration with several high-profile athletes including Michael Jordan, Patrick Mahomes, and Ken Griffy, Jr.
“I mean, to say that we used athletes to help design the mask, we, um, asked them what color it should be,” said Carmody. “But now we can say that they helped and people will pay a shitload for them.”
Pre-orders for the Nike Air Face Mask will begin at the end of the month with a price tag of $350.00 and industry experts predict the mask will sell out quickly.
“I can say that these will likely sell out very quickly so you have two options; get in line at a Nike store now or buy a gun to rob someone with one in a couple weeks,” said Shoes Magazine Editor, Tori Xavier.