DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.

IRVING, TX – Seemingly overnight, the once quite neighborhood of Willow Estates has erupted in violence as the Willow Estates Home Owners Association has declared war on a small band of rebels led by resident Richard Sterty. Tensions have been escalating in the area since Sterty’s arrival 6 months ago and have now reached a boiling point.

WASHINGTON DC – A going away party at the white house turned ugly last week as officers from the Washington DC Police Department were called in to control already out of hand partygoers around 3 a.m. Wednesday morning. Over 2 million dollars worth of damage was caused and 200 people were arrested with several others ticketed for various offenses.

BOULDER, CO – Attorney General Janet Reno worked with outside intermediaries in Boulder, Co Friday on a possible agreement that would transfer custody of the Dave Matthews Band Compact Disc from Charise Wilson to its rightful owner, James “Doppey” Rathmuseon III immediately, a Justice Department spokeswoman said.

NEW YORK, NY – In a startling discovery, The Federal Bureau of Investigators has uncovered what is thought to be a sado-masochist “dungeon” located in the basement of the New York Police Departments headquarters.