AURORA – CA, Halfway through the Secret Santa gift exchange at the Peterson, Sloan and Dietz law firm’s annual Christmas party, a gift was given to Victoria Lane that thinly veiled the sexual desire of the giver. The gift, a Swiss Colony Beef-Log, a gift certificate to Fredrick’s of Hollywood and a 64oz bottle of KY Jelly was given to Lane by her coworker James Wazler.

PORTLAND, OR – After winning a recent Powerball Lottery drawing worth nearly 300 million dollars, Jesus Christ has decided to give nearly two-thirds of the money away. The money will be given away as part of an essay contest held between the different Christian denominations.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to desire and the beautiful only get beautifuler. Yup, it’s summer, and I for one haven’t been this excited for a season sine the 1990 baseball season when that saucy Lenny Dykstra was playing for the New York Mets. Let me tell you, that summer I watched that little firecracker play while I played my own little baseball game, in my crotch! But enough about my teen years, lets get to the business at hand, and that business is summer trends.

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”

BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.

STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.

NEW YORK, NY – Taking advantage of an advertised special, singer Christina Aguilera received a free car stereo with the purchase of a new pair of breast implants. Aguilera made the decision to increase her bust size shortly after seeing a newspaper advertisement announcing the special.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.

WASHINGTON, DC – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President Bush unveiled his Homeland Security Plan stating that “this plan will protect Americans from shore to shore – and all those people in between. Unless of course you are a terrorist, then you won’t be safe.”