LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been so long since I’ve written a column! Hello, my lovelies, it is I, your ever vigilant reporter of all things that are good, Beth Sinclair!

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training.

TEHRAN, IRAN – In an effort to improve its image with the rest of the global community, Iran has announced plans to make several modifications to its current government policies.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic.

BROOKLYN, NY – In an effort to share resources and save money, Ambulance companies have begun co-operating with Chinese food restaurants.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.

A MOUNTAIN, PAKISTAN – Pundit and world famous terrorist Osama bin Laden has announced his support for Republican Mike Huckabee as the Republican Presidential nominee.

LAS VEGAS, NV – The Excalibur Hotel and Casino is set to debut the highly anticipated new show, the Blew Man Group. The show features four men, painted head to toe in blue paint, giving each other blow jobs.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.