Iran Reveals New National Anthem to Help Soften Image

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Iran President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is initiating a number of changes to improve Iran’s image.
Iran President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is initiating a number of changes to improve Iran’s image.

TEHRAN, IRAN – In an effort to improve its image with the rest of the global community, Iran has announced plans to make several modifications to its current government policies.

“After all of the protests and deaths over the last few months, we felt that it was time for (Iran) to take drastic changes in the way world’s eye,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “The very first thing that we are to do is change the national anthem. Right now, I do not even think our own citizens could sing our anthem, let alone anyone from outside the country. That is why we will changing it to ‘I Ran (So Far Away)’ by A Flock of Seagulls. Everyone knows that song, and everyone loves it. So everyone will love Iran.”

According to Ahmadinjad, the new anthem will reach out to people all over the world that thought Iran was, until now, just another country in the Middle East.

“The song is an allegory for Iran and not just because the title sounds like the name of our glorious nation,” said Ahmadinejad. “The song says ‘I ran, I ran so far away…’ Most people think that Iran is so far away, but we are not far away. We are right here, where we have always been. Look here on this map. This is us right here next to those assholes in Iraq.”

Even though most musicians would consider it an honor to have their work used as a national anthem, A Flock of Seagulls lead singer Mike Score is not so sure.

“I mean, it’s cool and all, but they really don’t get it,” Score said. “That song is about longing and the desire to belong and cocaine. Does Iran even have cocaine? I know they have heroin, but that doesn’t matter. Really, the only thing that matters here is how much I’m going to get paid for this and right now I’m not getting dime one. That’s bullshit. Cocaine isn’t cheap.”

In addition to the national anthem change, Iran will also force all government employees, including the military, to wear lapel buttons adorned with a smiley face.

“All members of Iran’s government will wear smiley faces to show that we are all happy, good and not violent people,” said Iran Foreign Minister, Manouchehr Mottaki. “The smiley face is a universal symbol of good attitude and that’s what we Iranians have. We have good attitude about everything – even elections and people who lose them.”

Other, more subtle initiatives include forcing Iran news agencies to report only “happy” news, forcing all citizens to stay at home every night for “movie night,” daily parades and a new Freedom of Speech Camp that all government opposition will be able to attend against their will.

“By taking control of the news we can make sure that the Iranian people hear all the good things about Iran, not all the bad, violent news. No one wants to hear that,” said Ahmadinejad. “To promote family and community we are forcing every family to stay in their house, every night, and watch a government approved film together. The Freedom of Speech Camp is going to be very good. Not only will the Iranian government promote free speech among it citizens, but we will also provide a space for all opposition to speak their minds freely. This place will be secret and will have guards to make sure no one can… to protect people from… guards will be there.”

Ahmadinejad plans to implement all the changes as soon as possible with some of the new policies already in effect.

“At noon today, the Iranian people will gather in the streets to sing our new national anthem. It will be a glorious day for Iran,” said Ahmadinejad.


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