Men's Warehouse has unveiled a new line of "Executive Basketball Shorts".

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HOUSTON, TX- Men’s Warehouse has announced a new line of “executive basketball shorts” the company hopes will appeal to remote workers.

“Apparently there are still a whole buncha people workin’ from home, and those people ain’t buyin’ suits or other formal type clothing,” said Men’s Warehouse Chief Financial Officer, Steve Terwilligar. “Now if you ask me, workin’ from home is a god damn sin and every company should be like Men’s Warehouse and demand their employees come into the office… but these new ‘executive basketball shorts’ aren’t about that. Ya see, these shorts are about feelin’ like an executive even though you are workin’ from the corner of your bedroom and spendin’ more time lookin’ through dirty websites than actual work.”

According to a Men’s Warehouse spokesperson, the new ‘executive basketball shorts’ will come in a variety of colors but sizes will be limited to large, extra-large, extra-extra-large, extra-extra-extra-large, and extra-extra-extra-extra-large.

“In many ways our new shorts are a classic basketball cut pair of shorts, but what sets our shorts apart is this stripe here and this drink pocket,” said Men’s Warehouse designer, Simon Reesel. “These shorts will come in 10 different colors ranging from dark blue to dark black. And while we initially thought we would produce the shorts in all sizes, our market research showed that… um… well… if you buy basketball shorts and wear them all the time, for every occasion other than basketball… you… uh… you’re… um… not… uh… you… um… how do I say this? You are probably… well, you probably have a passenger seat full of McDonald’s wrappers.”

Although several designers at Men’s Warehouse have previously proposed the addition of a basketball shorts line, it wasn’t until Chief Executive Officer Bob Hull went on vacation to Florida that the company approved the line.

“I was sitting there, in a café in Fort Lauderdale, watching people pass by and, I’m not even shitting you, 97% of the men and boys that walked by were wearing basketball shorts,” said Hull. “It didn’t matter what they were doing, or where they were going, they were all wearing basketball shorts. I stopped a couple to ask them about the shorts and most said they wore exclusively basketball shorts, even when they were working. That’s just fucking wild to me.”

While many customers are excited by the announcement, fashion insiders view the move as a “shitty attempt to boost sales” as the men’s formalwear industry continues to suffer post-pandemic.

“The idea of marketing a pair of shorts to a whole population of people who have never, and will never, see an actual basketball court, seems ridiculous to me,” said Vogue Magazine Senior Editor, Phineas Buford. “The thing is, they’ll probably just call them ‘Action Adventure Shorts’ or something along those lines, and they’ll sell a shit ton of them. Whatever, I guess. It’s not like I own 82,000 shares of Men’s Warehouse stock.”

“If this line doesn’t work and doesn’t sell… I don’t know what else we can do,” said Terwilligar. “Maybe sell Crocs? You fucking people can’t seem to get enough of those ugly pieces of shit so maybe we’ll try that?”