LOS ANGELES, CA – As the writer’s strike in Hollywood continues, the studios have offered a new list of proposals as a path forward to finally ending the strike.
“We presented a new list to the WGA (Writers Guild of America). A new list of demands as both a path forward and a statement as to where we see the discussions moving,” said Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) spokesperson, Shelly Romliatto. “We feel that this proposal will really get the ball rolling on striking a new deal with those greedy, I mean hard working writers that we definitely respect.”
The first item on the list is that the studios would maintain total control over ruining the childhoods of viewers.
“Right now, the writers are taking some steps to ruin the childhood of our viewers and we, the studios, maintain that is our territory,” said Romliatto. “We are responsible for casting, we are responsible for demanding the inclusion of underrepresented groups, and we are the ones that demand changes to characters to make them woke. Writers should not get to make those types of decisions. The running of a viewer’s childhood is something that we take very seriously, and we do not feel that it is the writer’s job to do that when we are so very good at it.”
Another high priority item for the studios is that writers should no longer be able to ask for a paycheck for their work.
“The fact that the writers are demanding payment for something that, literally anyone can do, just shows you how out of touch and ridiculous they are,” said Netflix CEO Walter Hamardson. “The internet is full of people that say they can write better than Hollywood writers. So, if everyone can do it then why should we pay people to do it? We don’t pay people to breathe. Everyone breathes, right? Does everyone breathe imported oxygen from Tibet? Really? Sucks to be them. But really, why should we have to pay people to come up with make believe stuff? Especially when some of it is bad. Did you see The Flash? Do you really think that we should have to pay for a shit show like that? Now you see where we’re coming from here.”
Other demands include a legal right to any writer’s first born, automatic Non-Disclosure Agreements for any interaction with a studio employee, writers take 100% of blame when a show or film is not popular, and pancake Fridays.
“It’s just simple mathematics,” said Romliatto. “In general, when something sucks, it’s the creator’s fault, right? For example, when a kid is a little piece of shit, you look towards the parents, right? It’s the same thing here. The Flash sucked so therefore it was the writers who sucked. It wasn’t the shitty CGI. It wasn’t the fact the Ezra Miller went nuts and people didn’t really want to support them in a film. It wasn’t stupid creative choices forced on to the film by producers and studio executives. Nope, it was all the writer’s fault. It just goes back to why we shouldn’t be paying the writers, when bad movies are clearly their fault.”
The AMPTP gave the WGA the list last week with the statement that none of the items were negotiable.
As of press time, the WGA has not commented on the proposal other than saying that they are on board with Pancake Friday.