DETROIT, MI – In an effort to improve both revenue and team morale, the Detroit Lions of the National Football League have made public their attempt to clone former Lion running back Barry Sanders. The Lions, who were 3-13 last season, hope the success of the program will once again bring the team into prominence.

SHOWTONE, RI – A small group of career counselors have come together to help American soldiers, disabled in the recent Iraq War, return to a normal life and find meaningful employment. This group, called Transitions, works with disabled soldiers to find the best fit for a new job.

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”

LOUISVILLE, KY – Mere weeks after their protest of the PGA’s Masters tournament, members of the hate group the Klu Klux Clan have petitioned several local ice cream suppliers this week to remove the flavor chocolate from the popular Neapolitan ice cream. The group states that combining the dark chocolate ice cream with the white vanilla is “against God’s will.”

GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a war in Iraq on the horizon and his approval ratings sinking, President George W. Bush addressed the nation in hopes of gaining more support. During the speech Bush made several promises and pledges to the American public.

CHATTANOOGA, TN – In a shocking move, Defense Lawyer Drew McAllen played the race card during the trial of Ron Willis, however the card was immediately beaten by a Level 3 Wood Ogre with a Plus 7 Axe of Wonder. The Ogre card, presented by Prosecuting Attorney Andre May sealed the win for the prosecutors trying and lead to a murder conviction for Willis.

NEW YORK, NY – Taking advantage of an advertised special, singer Christina Aguilera received a free car stereo with the purchase of a new pair of breast implants. Aguilera made the decision to increase her bust size shortly after seeing a newspaper advertisement announcing the special.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The war of words between current Rap bestseller Eminem and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter escalated this week as both released new singles taking verbal jabs at the other.

TUCSON, AZ – Just five minutes after meeting his new roommates, University of Arizona Freshman Mark Jacobs knew this would be the best semester of his life. Jacobs immediately felt confident that the diverse backgrounds and ethnicities of his roommates, Rufream Arnold, Mike Oh, and Will Morales, was sure to bring about wild adventures and crazy parties.