Retailers Release List of Season’s Top Toys

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Shooting Shit In the Nuts and/or Face: The Game is this year's most popular gift.
Shooting Shit In the Nuts and/or Face: The Game is this year's most popular gift.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As the holiday season approaches, several top toy retailers have released a combined list of this year’s top, must-have toys to help parents ensure their children get everything they should want and that the children will be popular amongst other children.

“This list is something (retailers) do every year as a service to parents,” said Toys R Us spokeswoman Carol Hall. “The worst fear of every parent is getting their child a toy that isn’t popular or in some way reflects negatively on their parenting abilities. So the retailers all get together with leading manufactures in early April to figure out what toys will be the ones kids are going to want each Christmas. This year we’ve got some great stuff. I’m really excited about this new Murder Ball toy.”

Topping this year’s list is, like most recent years, a video game – Shooting Shit In the Nuts and/or Face: The Game. The game is a first-person shooter set in modern times where players attempt to kill as many people as possible by shooting them in the face and/or groin. The more shots to the face and/or groin increase the amount of points a player can earn. One of the highlights of the game is the online play that allows players to shoot other player’s avatars in the face and/or groin.

“This game really isn’t all that special because most games allow you to shoot characters in the face and/or groin but what will draw people to this title is that this game actually rewards you for shooting people in the face and/or groin,” said Hall. “Whatever. I don’t know. It’s just a new game so it will be hot for a couple months and then everyone will forget about it and move on so really parents need to get in on this one quickly because the shelf-life is pretty short.”

Here’s a quick rundown of other toys topping the list:

2. Magic Super Cape of Power and Invincibility
“Superheroes are pretty popular with kids right now,” said Target Spokesman Gabriel Shattenkirk. “What kid doesn’t want to be a superhero? Retards, probably. But who cares about them? You didn’t write that down did you? Ok, good. But this toy is really just a piece of cloth with a logo on it that gives kids ‘invincibility’ so they ‘can’t get hurt.’ It says right here on the box that this cape will protect kids from everything, even bullets. Of course we adults know that’s not possible. Kids… they’ll believe anything – especially the retards. You didn’t write that last thing down again, did you?”

3. My First Stand Up Comic Set
“All kids dream of the flashy life that a stand up comic lives; the traveling, the glitz of seedy comedy clubs and drunken bachelorettes screaming at you to be funny. This toy brings the experience home,” said Hall. “The set includes a microphone, a set of index cards to write jokes on, a ‘heckler’ machine that will yell out random heckles as the child performs and a vial of heroin. The vial of heroin is the most important thing in this whole set, it really makes the toy. When you’re a stand up comic, you need something to take the edge off and let you feel normal for even a few minutes. That’s what the heroin is for. Really, you don’t need the other stuff. The heroin is really the only stand up experience that you need.”

4. The Little Tea Party Tea Party Play Set
“The Little Tea Party Tea Party Play Set is just the perfect gift for little girls,” said Wal-Mart directory of Promotions, Monika Stewart. “This play set comes with all the accoutrements that you would expect to find in a tea party play set but it also comes with four white dolls that resemble prominent Tea Party politicians. I guess I didn’t need to say that the dolls were white did I? But the set is great because you can pull the string on the back of each doll and it says a Tea Party slogan like ‘reduce the deficit… whatever that is’ and ‘small government and bigger checks to cover my diabetes.’ It’s just a great toy for little girls.”

5. Murder Ball
“When I first heard about this toy, I thought it was going to be a lame role playing toy about that movie where the dudes in wheelchairs play rugby. But this is so much cooler than that,” said Hall. “It’s really something that you have to see to believe, but let me try to set the stage for you. It’s like a football, but different. While it’s in the air, random objects will protrude from the ball. A knife, a tainted syringe, a razor blade. You never know what you’re going to get when you catch it – maybe nothing – but that’s what makes it fun. Kids like surprises, and the Murder Ball is full of them.”

6. Will It Fit? An Anal Adventure Game
“This is the third game in a series of Anal Adventure games that kids have just eaten up,” said Shattenkirk. “The first two games, Deep Inside the Poo Factory and F.I.S.T. are instant classics along the lines of Monopoly. It’s a game that every one can play, even retards. You didn’t write down that last part, right? Anyway, the game challenges the players to take everyday objects and speculate if they will fit in the anus. Then you get points if you can fit that object into your rectum. Fun right? Who wouldn’t want to play this game? It’s such a fun game, but in a way it’s really unfair. Do you know how much stuff you can fit into a retard’s ass? It’s incredible.”

7. Legal Tender Paper
“This isn’t so much a game or a toy as it is money,” said Stewart. “In fact that’s exactly what it is – Money. Parents can come to Wal-Mart and buy these Legal Tender Papers for their kids which can then be used to buy things here at Wal-Mart. It’s very similar to gift cards but everyone knows that giving gift cards is a complete cop-out so we just put a different spin on the gift card idea.”

8. Protective Bubble Ball
“This really isn’t a toy for kids so much as a gift for the parents,” said Hill. “You know those plastic balls that you can put a hamster in so it can run around your house without getting stepped on? It’s like that, only bigger. You can put a baby in it and the baby will be protected from just about everything. I mean, you can kick a kid down the stairs in this thing and the kid will not only be unhurt, they’ll be begging you to do it again.”

9. Alien Blood
“Honestly we have no idea what this stuff is,” said Stewart. “If I remember right, the manufacturer, Dow, found this weird substance in one of their dumping pits and one of the dumpers said it looked like alien blood so the company packed it up and is selling it for $35 a package. Kids that get this stuff will have so much fun pretending it’s the blood of an alien… until it starts to burn their skin.”

10. Puzzles
“Come on, what kid doesn’t like puzzles?” said Shattenkirk. “Well, I mean retards don’t like puzzles because they can’t figure them out. Seeing them sitting there with their giant foreheads all scrunched up and their beady little eyes concentrating too hard on a piece that can’t possibly fit into that space. It’s damn sad, but at the same time really funny. You didn’t write that down, did you? Anyways, what normal kid doesn’t like a good puzzle?”


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