Detroit Lions Attempt To Clone Running Back Barry Sanders

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DETROIT, MI – In an effort to improve both revenue and team morale, the Detroit Lions of the National Football League have made public their attempt to clone former Lion running back Barry Sanders. The Lions, who were 3-13 last season, hope the success of the program will once again bring the team into prominence.

“(Sanders) was a phenomenal athlete in the spectrum of a Ted Williams, a Wayne Gretzky or a Joey Harrington,” said Lions owner Matt Millen. “We always knew that (Sanders) was going to leave the team, and that’s why we started this program in his third year with the club. The only reason that we’re coming out about this now is that we’re close. Like real close.”

The project was started in 1991, when Sanders was in his prime. Through trial and error, the Lions feel they now have what it takes to make a successful clone.

“Yeah, we had a few, let’s call them ‘miscalculations,” Millen said. “We had a flipper baby here, a gelatinous blob there. Normal stuff when you try and go against nature, I guess. Hell one time we had a perfect clone. The only problem is that he was white. Nobody wants a white Barry Sanders. He was 30% slower and he kept wanting to get more into the business side rather than actually playing. How screwed up is that? So we had to kill that one. Along with all the others. Sent them back to hell. We thought about a female Barry but then we realized that wouldn’t solve all of our problems. Just the sexual ones and we can get hookers for those.”

Sanders himself was unaware of the Lions intentions and is reportedly irate at the Lions attempt to clone him without his consent.

“Those are my cells they stole. I was wondering why I kept having to give soft tissue samples. Now that I know though, I’m fucking furious,” said Sanders. “I retired for a reason. The Lions suck. They aren’t even a real football team and never have been. I, nor any clone of Barry, will never play for those monsters.”

To curve Sanders’ well-known distaste for the Lions, team officials and scientists have been experimenting with a new technique that will remove all free will from the new clones.

“We have to get that dislike for us out of his head and if we remove his freewill, well… we will have our own Barry slave. Well, not really a slave since that is outlawed of course… maybe more like a butler or an executive assistant,” said Millen. “Think about. He would be the perfect kill…I mean running machine. We couldn’t be stopped.”

While there is currently a ban on cloning research in the United States, most of the work of cloning Sanders has been conducted in Switzerland.

“The people there are such great scientists,” said Millen. “Of course they were a little scared when we approached them about cloning a black person. Apparently they hate them… huh, who would have known? Anyways, we went to them and after some negotiations, we agreed on terms and began the cloning process. It’s our hope that we will have a fully functionally and compliant Barry Sanders by the end of this season. Just in time for the playoffs.”


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