IRVINE, CA – During a road trip to see an NBA Playoff game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Detroit Pistons, a funny thing happened to friends Billy Wells and Rob Winker on their way to the Great Western Forum in Irvine, California.

VATICAN CITY, ROME – Vatican officials announced Thursday that the Catholic Church would now recognize “free days” included in the observation of Lent. A “free day” is defined by the Catholic Church as a single designated day where the rules and beliefs behind Lent are put aside allowing Catholics to take a break from their lent sacrifice.

LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated 4 times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to “update their image,” several well known religious figures made surprise guest appearances last week on the Jenny Jones Show for a segment entitled “Righteous Makeovers.” During the show, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu and Mohammed each took turns with hair stylists and fashion consultants, each hoping the new looks will help them come across to a new generation of worshipers that are more in tune with the world of high fashion.

CHICAGO, IL – Even though this holiday season is supposed to be a retailer’s worst nightmare, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the 10 hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. Since the terrorist attacks in September combined with the already sluggish economy, analysts have been predicting the usual fevered spending in the months prior to Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be at an all time low. The toy report is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

PORTSMOUTH, VA – The United States Coast guard confirmed today what many had previously suspected, and feared to be true. Pirates and pirate ships have been terrorizing the Atlantic coast for the first time since the early 1800s. The announcement comes on the heels of a recent string of pirate sightings and alleged pirate activity.

IRVINE, CA – With pressure from the government and religious groups mounting, Hollywood executives and filmmakers are now blaming the amount of violence and sexual content in movies on Orange County resident Steve Prost. In a formal statement issued jointly by the Screen Actors Guild and executives of Warner Brothers, Dreamworks and Paramount Pictures, Prost is listed as the primary cause for the success of recent violent films including “Matrix” and “Gladiator.”

BOSTON, MA – Researchers from the biology department of Boston College have released the results of an exhaustive experiment on the effect marijuana has on the human body and mind. The experiment, conducted from May 1994 to December 2000, was the largest such experiment of its kind, and the results have the conductors very excited.

TARRYTOWN, NY – Administrators for Marymount College have begun to build the framework of a new curriculum which the school hopes will provide its students with a better understanding of woman’s role in modern society.