HARRISBURG, PA – A study, conducted by University of Virginia professor Alan Lamansky, has concluded that Gary Valderito of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is indeed “stupid” under the rules and standards governed by the scientific method. The study, funded by a grant from the Society of Talented and Gifted Elitists of America, contained scientific validation, and numerous accounts of stupidity and idiocy as cited by friends, co-workers and neighbors.

CONCORD, NH – In the wake of the Phish breakup, the Department of Welfare has declared a state of emergency to house and feed the thousands of Phish fans left to fend for themselves by the split.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Just before the Counting Crows took the stage at the Greek Theater on Sept. 25, guitar tech Ben Frinds entertained a crowd of 30,000 fans with a riveting solo performance.

IOWA CITY, IA – After a five-year, comprehensive study on the causes of domestic violence, researches at the University of Iowa have released a list of the most common reasons that spawn violent attacks within the home.

It happens every year; summer. And we all know what summer brings, right. Well besides the sunburns, heat and unwanted pregnancies, summer is the key time of the year for movies. I, Beth, have vowed to see every movie this summer and with a little strength, I will prevail. While most of the movies set for release this summer look like shit, there are a few that I am totally excited about, and I hope that after reading this, you will all be as excited as I am.

GROVESTOWN, MI – Sometimes, things don’t go smoothly. Last week when Mike Edwards entered his bathroom, as he does most every day, to have a routine bowel movement, little did he know that the experience would change his life forever. The experience left the man, who had just turned 38 the day before, shaken and scared, but also in complete awe.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- It was a classic example of being in the right place at the right time and now a local aspiring actor has finally landed himself in the big time.

MIAMI, FL – Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC manager Louis Pearlman announced his plans to travel to Cuba to “Discover the next Elian.”

NEW YORK, NY – In a startling discovery, The Federal Bureau of Investigators has uncovered what is thought to be a sado-masochist “dungeon” located in the basement of the New York Police Departments headquarters.

DENTON, SD – During a recent paleontological dig in the Bad Lands of South Dakota, scientists have uncovered remnants of some of our earliest known ancestors. This new find uncovered tools ancient, savage creatures used and what appears to be a complete set of pre-historic clothing.