Father Time Asked to Move End of the World Up

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If the signers of an online petition are granted their request, the end of the world will come this summer.
If the signers of an online petition are granted their request, the end of the world will come this summer.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward. The petition was signed by over 20 million people from many different countries who are fed up with the current state of the world.

“The world is going crazy right now and so many of us just feel like getting it over with already. Who wants to see another year of this?” said petition organizer Juan Gutierrez. “I started the petition on Facebook to have the whole 2012 thing moved up to this summer as a joke but within 20 minutes I had three million people sign it. I guess there are just a lot of people out there that are just sick of the bat-shit craziness of the world and would rather just have the world blow up.”

The end of the world has long been scheduled for December of 2012 but the petition’s signers have asked Father Time to move that date to early summer.

“Every country in world is in big trouble now so everything should just end. End it all,” said Omar Bahashwan. “No problems will be ok in a year. 2012 should come as soon as possible. Once this world is gone Allah can fix all of things and make it again.”

According to the petition’s organizers, a number of factors went into the decision to request for an earlier end of the world including political climates, environmental issues, violence, human rights issues and Chick-Fil-A being closed on Sundays.

“Everything is fucked up. Everything,” said Sasha Groban. “I can’t watch TV without seeing a nightmare happening somewhere. I can’t listen to music because Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga are terrible. I can’t buy anything because the banks have fucked up my credit. I can’t get a job because the companies aren’t hiring and I can’t even eat Chick-Fil-A on Sunday! What the fuck! Come on! It’s 2011 Chick-Fil-A. Get your shit together. (Chick-Fil-A) can try to hold on to those crazy Christian morals they pretend to have but we all know the truth. Just open on Sunday so I can feel guilty and conflicted and eat a delicious chicken sandwich at the same time.”

With the perception that the world will not “get better” before December 2012, many are feeling as though there is little use in continuing to live with the world as it is and the end of the world might as well come much sooner.

“Really, why bother with the whole thing?” Gutierrez said. “Anymore it’s just pointless. People have been trying to make it better but there are just way too many assholes in the world so let’s just end it already. All I ask is that you let me know the exact date. I think that will be important. People are going to want to know exactly how much time is left. I’ll need to know when the exact date is because I’m going to need the time between now and then to convince my wife to do anal. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do with my final moments of existence. I’m going for anal.”

If the end of the world is moved to a date this summer, those that have signed the petition are concerned that they will not be able to accomplish everything they need and want to in the time between now and the end.

“I wouldn’t want it to come too soon, because there are some really cool looking movies coming out this summer,” Groban said. “Have you seen the ‘Thor’ trailer? Holy crap does that movie look awesome! I mean, I’m not really a comic book fan, but damn! All I can say is that Chris Hemsworth can hammer my Asgard anytime he wants, if you know what I mean. Also I should probably see the people I love one last time and say goodbye but that’s only if I have time.”

While the reception of the petition has been generally positive, a few protests have been staged by those who do not want the world to end this year.

“This is total shit! If the world ends I will be so mad,” said Walter Chen. “Sure the world is messed up right now but when in history has it not been messed up? Every year has been the worst year. It’s life. We need to deal with it. I’ve already prepared for the 2012 timeline because we’ve known about that forever. I don’t want 2012 to come sooner. There is so much I want to do- like Halloween. I made the best costume. I went and built myself a complete Bender from Futurama costume. It’s awesome. It took me two months to make! If the world ends this summer, I would have wasted the last couple months!”

As of press time, there was no comment from Father Time’s office as to whether or not he would grant the petitioner’s request and reschedule the end of the world.


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