AMHERST, MA – Local man Aiden Toews has made it clear to all attendees at the party that he is willing to spend several hours explaining why the Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is “the best album ever made.”

HOUSTON, TX- Men’s Warehouse has announced a new line of “executive basketball shorts” the company hopes will appeal to remote workers.

SEATTLE, WA – A local woman says she is frustrated with constantly being referred to as “Caleb’s girlfriend” instead of her name.

MIAMI, FL – The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have announced they are reuniting for one final world tour this year.

CHARLOTTE, NC – Local man Terry Cooke, 46, says he has had his childhood ruined 12 to 13 times a day for the past several years.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA –Apple has announced it will soon add new photo filters specifically designed for dick pics.

AUSTIN, TX – The Texas State Legislature has passed a new law making it illegal to remove truck nuts from a truck.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance has been revealed to be an artificial intelligence generated person.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Many leading climate scientists have decided they will stop warning of pending climate catastrophes and will instead suggest everyone “get to work on their bucket list.”

BROOKHAVEN, GA – A local old, white man is feeling nostalgic for a time when he only had to hate one thing instead of almost everything.