BOSTON, MA – A recent sociological study out of the Harvard University has concluded that 83% percent of Irish people are alcoholics.

BEIJING, CHINA – After several years of working through scenarios, China says it is strongly considering taking over the world in the next five to 10 years.
“We rook at evy-ting and we rearize tat (China) have evy-ting we need to take over word,” said Ma Zhaoxu, a spokesman for China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “So maybe (China) just do it. Maybe we just take over word. Who stop us? America can not stop us now.”

FAYETTEVILLE, AR – University of Arkansas English Professor Oliver Mueller has officially given up on correcting the English his student use in his classroom.

PALM BEACH, FL – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has admitted that he can no longer remember why he hates Democrats, poor people and minorities.

WASHINGTON, DC – After losing the super majority in the Senate, Democrats have switched strategies for passing legislation. Democratic leaders are now going to start using reverse psychology to get the bills they deem important through the Senate and house.
“Realistically (reverse psychology) is going to be a pretty simple thing to implement,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

COLUMBIA, SC – Manufacturers of a new foot-care product are hoping to revolutionize the Podiatric Medicine industry with the launch of the PediFile.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Despite expectations to the contrary, the recent purchase of an Apple iPhone has left Geoffrey Glocke’s life relatively unchanged.

CHERRY HILL, NJ – Scientists working with Gene-O-Topic have made a breakthrough in the fight against Douche Bag Disease by identifying and tracing a key genetic sequence. The discovery may lead to a possible cure and the elimination of the disease all together.
Douche Bag Disease has infected more than 400 million men in this country and is the leading cause of spiked hair, sleeveless shirts and Nickelback enjoyment among men ages 12 to 65.

NEW YORK, NY – Retailers across the country are beginning to use extreme measures in order to get people shopping over the holiday season.

BETHESDA, MD – Insurance lobbyist Larry Branagan is begging Congress to give him what he wants most for Christmas – no public health care option whatsoever under any new health care related legislation.