Microsoft Says Congress Wants to Ban Phones

According to Microsoft, the government is planning to ban the sale of Microsoft Windows Phones.
According to Microsoft, the government is planning to ban the sale of Microsoft Windows Phones.

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor. “My friend who works at the post office said he heard some senators saying something about how Obama wants to take away all the Microsoft phones! I’ll be damned if they take mine away from me! It is my Conttitu…sion…istal given right to own a Microsoft phone, and if they think they’re going to walk in here and take my phone, they are gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead hand!”

As a result of the rumors, sales of Microsoft Windows phones have seen a sharp increase in sales.

“(Threat of governmental control) has been great for business,” said Microsoft Store employee Deshawn Hudler. “In all of 2012 I think we sold 12 phones but so far this year we’ve sold a shit ton! Easily 5,000 so far and it’s only February. And to answer your next question – yes, most of the people that have bought the phones are white, fat, dumbies that wear shirts with no sleeves.”

The phone sales increase has extended beyond the Microsoft faithful as many of the new costumers were previously unaware that Microsoft manufactured a phone.

“When I heard Odumba and his nazi liberals were gonna make it illegal to own a Windows phone, well, I packed up my family in my F-150, drove right down to Wal-Mart and bought each of us one,” said Derrick Jones, who recently purchased seven Microsoft Windows Phones. “I won’t have the gov’ment telling me what I can and can’t own. It’s a free country! You hear me Obama? The gov’ment better stop infringin’ on my rights and better start getting back to the important stuff – like stopping gays from marryin’.”

Microsoft employees began posting comments on social media sites of pending government restrictions after the recent uprising in Mali and rumors that one of the Islamist insurgents conducting terrorist attacks in Mali may have at one point seen or used a Microsoft phone.

“There are reports that the bad guys over there in Mail, wherever the hell that is, once used a Microsoft Winbar phone,” said Iowa Senator Tom Harkin (D). “I don’t even know what a Microsoft phone is but if that’s the case then we know for a fact that al-Qaeda, and probably North Korea and Iran, are using those Microsift Phone things to destroy America so we need to take a serious look at Nicosurf Phone control.”

A new lobbying group, National Microsoft Phone Association, has been created to represent American Microsoft phone owners.

“These rumors that are swirling around are completely unfair to owners of Microsoft phones,” said lobbyist Ethan Jerome. “The supposed connections to al-Qaeda and other terrorists are completely unfounded and a clear example of the government fabricating news to get what they want. Even if they’re true, there is no reason to limit the sale and ownership of the phones. Unless of course the government is just trying to be the worlds biggest assholes, which we already know they are. But that’s why I’m here, to make sure these assholes don’t take away our constitutional right to own a phone!”

Sales analysts are skeptical of the statements being made by Microsoft and say that the move is a clear effort to increase the sales of the phones.

“I think it’s kind of a shitty way to do things, but hey, who am I to say anything?” said Ryan Richman of Consumer Reports. “Everyone knows that the Windows phone doesn’t hold a candle to anything that Apple or Google put out there, so it’s just a ploy to get people interested in an inferior product. I could probably start the rumor that the government is going to outlaw the breeding of St. Bernards with German Sheppards and people would go apeshit trying to get their hands on one. I don’t know why anyone would want that type of breed because, between you and me they’re completely retarded, but they would become the new teacup Labradoodle. The new must have pet.”

To date the government has made no effort to restrict the sales of Microsoft phones.


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