HOLLYWOOD, CA – Amid several high profile “lapses in tasteful programming,” the FCC announced Tuesday that it will be tightening restrictions starting with this year’s batch of Holiday themed specials. The announcement comes just weeks after ABC’s use of a half naked women on Monday Night Football to advertise one of the channel’s other shows.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello kiddies, it is I, Beth Sinclair, your humble insight into everything that’s hot. Now when I say hot, I don’t mean temperature wise, I mean I am the maven of everything that you guys should be doing/watching/eating/fucking. Speaking of temperatures, is it me or is it colder than a witch’s tit outside? Seriously, my nipples have been rock hard for a week now! Fortunately, the cold weather means that one thing is certain, and no, it is not that my herpes outbreak is back. I’m talking about the Fall TV Line up is about to begin! And let me tell you that this year has got me so excited that even if it weren’t cold, my nipples would be so hard they could cut the Hope Diamond!

SURPRISE, AZ – Every year at this time a fascinating phenomena occurs and this year scientists from the National Old Person Research Center are poised to get a closer look then they ever have before. As the northern parts of the U.S. cool down, old Americans migrate south in an effort to escape the cold. This migration is commonly referred to as flight of the snowbirds.

HOUSTON, TX – A recent survey by Car & Truck magazine concluded that there exists an indirect relation between the lift in a truck and the size of the owner’s penis – meaning that as the size of the lift increases, the penis size decreases. Although the relationship had been previously speculated by much of the American population, the survey marks the first documented evidence of the correlation.

BILLINGS, MT – For the third time in six years, the Domino’s Noid is entering a drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility. This latest attempt at sobriety comes as a court order from last year’s cocaine induced altercation with Montana police.

COLLEGE PARK, MD – A recently concluded study is causing waves in the food industry as scientists at the University of Maryland have discovered that despite commonly held beliefs, food dropped on the floor is not free of germs, dirt or bacteria if picked up within five seconds.

ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

WINSLOW, AZ – Some of the nation’s most prominent methamphetamine (meth, as it is known on the streets) dealers have united to put together an ad campaign to combat the negative, anti-meth ads which have recently started airing across the country. Citing the anti-meth ads paint meth dealers and users as lower class addicts, the ads produced by the meth dealers will show the positive things about meth an how it helps the community.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.