Kerry Announces 'Cute Little' Puppy As Running Mate
Published May 2004 0 Comments | Share:
Presidential Candidate John Kerry's running mate, Freedom, addresses reporters at a press conference last week.
MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy. The puppy, chosen from a litter of 12, is the first non-human Vice President selection in American history.
The selection of the puppy as Vice Presidential candidate marks a further departure from past presidential nominees as Kerry’s choice has no political background and has in fact only been alive for just over one month.
“It’s time to take this country in a new direction and we can’t do that by having the same Washington fat cats in power,” said Kerry at the press conference announcing the selection. “So, instead of a fat cat… I have a cute puppy. Who would you rather have on your lap? An obese feline with a bad attitude and a propensity to lie to the American public to forge an idiotic war, or the world’s cutest living thing, this little puppy here named Freedom? This puppy will never lie to you. He will never tell you there are weapons of mass destruction when there clearly isn’t. But this puppy will lick your nose if you get to close. Watch…”
While the puppy remained silent throughout the press conference, Democratic insiders say the puppy is the best choice, not only for Kerry, but for the nation.
“It really couldn’t have been a better choice for our future Vice President” said Democratic Publicist Kyle Walters. “He’s cute, he’s obedient and he is patriotic. Did you see him in that little American flag bandana that he had tied around his neck. It was so precious. And there isn’t a single skeleton in his closet. He was never a patsy for big oil. He never sexually harassed a former secretary. He never went on a 14 day coke binge where in he banged several hookers and accidentally killed one. He’s never done any of that. But he does lick himself, quite often actually. But I am pretty sure America will let him slide on that because God know we all would if we could.”
While most of the American population is behind Freedom, Republicans have come out in mass against the cute running mate.
“This is the biggest travesty I’ve seen in my time serving the American people,” said Connie Mack, ® Senator from Florida. “It’s a damn dog, for Christ’s sake. What happens when the puppy grows up and isn’t as cute anymore? Huh, what happens then? This isn’t Vietnam. They can’t eat the puppy when they lose. Oh and they will lose, mark my words. The puppy is going down. But he is pretty cute. Evil, but cute.”
Although no polls have been conducted since the announcement, Washington insiders believe the Kerry campaign will gain some much needed ground on George W. Bush’s re-election campaign.
“(Kerry) will make up a lot of ground with Freedom running with him especially with women. Chicks dig puppies. It’s a fact of life. You think there is a single guy out there anywhere that would have a dog if chicks didn’t think they were cute? You’re God damn right ‘No.’ And just think what the results of this election would be like if 10-year-old girls could vote. It would be a slaughter. I think Bush needs to trade Cheney in for a bear cub or something. Just about anything would be cuter than Cheney,” said Senate Intern Jeremy Rice.
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