WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.

MANCHESTER, NH – According to employees at Delwitt Chemical, the guy in the corner cubical on the second floor is a total dick.

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

CLEVELAND, OH – A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend’s nanny is from South Africa.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.

WITCHITA, KS – Although the football season is almost half over, McGearson High School cheerleader Breanna Winnik has yet to decide which football player she will sleep with first.

SACRAMENTO, CA – After deadly wildfires wreaked havoc in Southern California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in conjunction with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, unveiled a plan to stop current fires and eliminate the possibility of future fires. The main focus of the plan is to “remove anything that burns” from the California landscape.

CINCINNATI, OH – A local warehouse is being transformed into something frightening this month for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The Suburban Scare House will open this week and while it will offer frights for all ages, one specific group is targeted with this new haunted house – white, soccer moms.

BELLEVUE, WA – In an effort to become the number one discount travel website, Expedia.com has announced new features that the company hopes will draw more business.