Openly Gay Player Spurs NFL to Adopt New Rules
Published April 2014NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.
“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”
Conspiracy Theorist Willing To Tell Everyone All About Missing Plane
Published March 2014Massage Therapist Tries to Ignore Farts
Published February 2014PORTLAND, OREGON A massage therapist that works in the downtown area thinks that everyone should be gluten, sugar, egg, soy, fat and dairy free primarily because he is sick of people farting during sessions.
“Jessie” Stars Round Out Star Wars VII Cast
Published February 2014HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the filming set to begin in a few months, Disney has finally revealed the cast for the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode VII.
Local Black Man Sick of Explaining He Doesn’t Like Rap
Published February 2014SEATTLE, WA – Russell Fischer, a 28-year-old black man from Olympia, says he is tired of explaining why he does not like rap music even though he is, in fact, a black man.
New Report Confirms Lewis Is a Bad Dog
Published January 2014MOUNT VERNON, WA – A report recently released by the Department of Animal Rights and Welfare concludes that Lewis is bad dog.
Climate Change Denier Really Just Mad At Someone
Published January 2014BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.
Jennifer Lawrence Brings Peace to Middle East
Published February 2014WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s beloved actress, Jennifer Lawrence, has brought peace to the entire Middle East.
“Jennifer Lawrence came here and looked me right in the eye and said that there should be peace so I made peace,” said Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “As much as I want to be true to my people and my country, above all I want to make Jennifer Lawrence happy. She is just a really great girl. She deserves to be happy.”
Local Man Won’t Stop Talking About “Doctor Who”
Published December 2013AUSTIN, TX – Local man Justin Neeley will not stop talking about the television show “Doctor Who” despite the fact his friends and family are no longer willing to listen to him.
Olympic Snowboarders Pretend They are Real Athletes
Published December 2013BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.
