Little Girl Arrested for Marrying Man, Unicorn

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Eight-year-old, Cassie Weinrich, has been arrested after marrying her male doll, Jonas, and her unicorn, BeeBee.
Eight-year-old, Cassie Weinrich, has been arrested after marrying her male doll, Jonas, and her unicorn, BeeBee.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – An eight-year-old girl has been arrested and charged with criminal mischief after presiding over the marriage of a male doll, Jonas, and a small, stuffed unicorn she named Beebee.

The girl, Cassie Weinrich, held the ceremony last month in her bedroom. While no other humans attended the wedding, authorities were called when Weinrich introduced the recently married couple to her elementary school teacher.

“When (Cassie) told me that this man and unicorn were marr, were marriā€¦ oh I can’t even say it, it’s so disgusting,” said Kerry Pierce, Weinrich’s Fourth Grade teacher. “Every time I think about it, I just want to throw up. It goes against God! First of all, a unicorn isn’t even real, so there is no way a man should be able to marry one. Secondly, how does that even work? God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and a unicorn.”

Both the doll and the unicorn have been confiscated from Weinrich and placed in a sexuality re-education camp located outside of Provo.

In addition to Weinrich’s arrest, the marriage of Jonas and Beebee is not being recognized by Utah.

“This sort of thing might be acceptable in that gay friendly California, but this is Utah, we do things differently here,” said Senator Orrin Hatch (R, Utah). “If we were to let these perverted actions go unchecked, what do you think would happen? Anarchy, that’s what. Next thing you know we’ll be up to our eye balls in creepy marriages. Men marrying men. Women marrying women. Men marrying cows. Women marrying Jews. Where does it end?”

Marriages are defined by the Utah state constitution as the union of a man and a woman. Over the past several years, many unsuccessful attempts have been made to change the law.

“(Marriage defined as a union between a man and a women) is something that needs to be changed if Utah is ever going to get rid of the stigma that the state has,” said Salt Lake City resident Nicki Rhylin. “Not everyone in this state is Mormon, and those of us that aren’t, really get lumped into the same category as the Mormons. I love homos. The sooner that we can get laws like this changed, the sooner we become a real state, and not just ‘the Mormon one.’”

Salt Lake City Sheriff James M. Smith has taken a strong stance against the violation of the Utah constitution, particularly the definition of marriage.

“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I recognize any marriage that isn’t one man and one woman,” Smith said. “Two people of the same sex loving each other deeply, getting married and living in a house together and possibly adopting and raising children is an abomination. Of course two women can still get together and do dirty, sinful things to each other, as long as they aren’t married and someone is there to video tape it. But not two men. That’s an abomination.”

Despite the mass public outcry both for and against the subject, Weinrich is happy for the new couple and says that, given the chance, she would marry the doll and the unicorn again.

“They love each other!” Weinrich said. “Jonas makes Beebee happy and Beebee makes Jonas happy. Why is that bad? Mommy says that when two people love each other they share a special hug and that’s where babies come from. Jonas gave Beebee a hug but they haven’t had babies yet. Maybe tomorrow.”


If this is real, this is so FUCKING RIDICULOUS (although, it’s not real, so why am I even posting this comment?!).

What is wrong with two people – imaginary though they may be – expressing their love for each other? The Utah LDS Gestapo wants to crucify them – and they are all polygamists. Jesus, it makes me want to puke.

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