OUTON, TX – Despite the fact that the show has not been on the air for over a decade, former “American Gladiator” star James Nielson still prefers people call him by his gladiator name, Panzer.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In preparation for the anticipated troop build-up President Bush recently promised the United States armed forces are considering new enlistment incentives to raise the total number of troops available for deployment.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

TACOMA, WA – A sweltering heat wave across the Pacific Northwest has left 109 snowmen dead and another 24 in serious condition. In the last week alone, 17 snowmen have been reduced to puddles in the state of Washington.

PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.

VENTURA, CA – Friends and family of the TV star Cookie Monster held what they are referring to as “a successful intervention” last month in an effort to get Monster clean and free from his cookie addiction.

WESTMINSTER, CO – During a conversation with friends, local teen Jared Gabriel announced that he had recently become involved with a teenage girl, from Canada. The relationship, which began while Gabriel was vacationing in Ottawa, is, according to Gabriel, full of passion, love and online chats.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!