Mother Nature Sued To Stop High Temperatures

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PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.

“I’m hot and sweaty from this heat, and I’m going to take a dip in the pool when I get home,” said Trevor Chambers of Pasadena, California. “It’s the heat that makes me so hot, and then; I sweat. Look at me sweat. That’s because I’m hot from the heat, and I’m not the only one! I don’t know what the hell… ha get it, I said ‘hell’ because that’s what it feels like here. Anywho, I don’t know who Mother Nature thinks she is but she better knock off this heat wave crap.”

Residents of Awatukee, AZ have filed an injunction against Mother Nature to end the heat wave and return the temperature of their town to a livable 112 degrees.

“I’m hot, too,” said Randi Horsmythe, who spoke as a representative of her community action team in Awatukee. “It’s way too hot, especially outside. How can we keep our lawns in accordance to the bylaws when every weekend it’s hot when we go outside? How could Mother Nature let this happen? Someone’s got to teach that lady what’s what.”

Despite the rising temperatures, some believe the change is not due to Mother Nature but rather a natural phenomenon.

Scientists who study weather patterns, called “meteorologists” (MEET-EE-OHR-HO-LOW-JESTS), claim they know why it has been so hot lately: Summer.

“You seriously want to know why it’s hot? It’s hot because it’s Summer,” said Dr. Seamus Finn, President of the International Association of Meteorologists. “Summer is the hottest of the four seasons in the Northern Hemisphere. My three-year-old can tell you that… and she’s stupid for her age.”

Summer is hot because there is an increased exposure of the northern latitudes to the sun due to planetary tilt, Finn said.

Science and politics aside, as the heat tightens its grip, political pundits are working hard to find a solution.

“Those fagotty liberal scientists, who work for communists and get paid by the government, have been going on and on with their high-and-mighty mumbo-jumbo about layers of global ozone warming forever so they can get more funding to spend on nice cars – don’t think they’re not behind the heat and it being all hot somehow,” said Richard Havers, resident of Little Wood, Minnesota, who last read a newspaper in 1987 and has contributed several insightful comments to cable news networks over the years. “It is damn hot,” he said, and had nothing more intelligent to add.

Yet science, despite these harsh accusations, says there will be a respite from the heat.

“There are weather systems which will bring rain to some places where it is hot,” said Finn very carefully explaining the process, as if to an idiot. “We really have no control over it, but our latest calculations indicate that soon it shall be Fall, and then Winter, and the lands that are now hot will cool. It wouldn’t hurt if you would be so frantic about the gaping, cancerous holes in the ozone layer, but there is no need for panic in our day and age because of a relatively minor heat wave. And I hate to say this but Mother Nature doesn’t exist.”

Mother Nature was unavailable for comment at press time.


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