AUSTIN, TX – In a daring move that shows his wild and independent nature, Gordon Vassen, 22, has applied two stickers featuring ‘big tittied naked devil chicks’ to the rear window of his 1997 Ford Explorer.

VORGON 9 – Just over five years ago, a rag tag group of misfits with ideas of UFO’s and castration took the United States by storm, but then seemingly vanished into thin air shortly after their bodies were found after what appeared to be a mass suicide. But Tuesday, in an announcement broadcast from beyond our solar system and picked up via satellite TV, members of the Heavens Gate cult announced that they finally reached the spaceship and are in fact not dead.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – A pair of 20-year-old college students, Jacob Hensdale and Mark Richards, were arrested this week for possession of Coke while driving just east of Salt Lake City on Interstate 80. After being stopped for speeding, a Utah Highway Patrol officer noticed two one-litre bottles of Coca-Cola in the car’s cup holders. The pair was immediately taken into custody.

IRVINE, CA – During a road trip to see an NBA Playoff game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Detroit Pistons, a funny thing happened to friends Billy Wells and Rob Winker on their way to the Great Western Forum in Irvine, California.

VATICAN CITY, ROME – Vatican officials announced Thursday that the Catholic Church would now recognize “free days” included in the observation of Lent. A “free day” is defined by the Catholic Church as a single designated day where the rules and beliefs behind Lent are put aside allowing Catholics to take a break from their lent sacrifice.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.

BEAUMONT, OR – In the tiny town of Beaumont, Oregon, a town that’s had only one murder in the past five years, two violent gangs have emerged and waged a bitter battle on the streets of the sleepy berg. The gangs, the East and West Side Saturn Clubs, have over run the town and have driven the 50,000+ residents into their homes.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to “update their image,” several well known religious figures made surprise guest appearances last week on the Jenny Jones Show for a segment entitled “Righteous Makeovers.” During the show, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu and Mohammed each took turns with hair stylists and fashion consultants, each hoping the new looks will help them come across to a new generation of worshipers that are more in tune with the world of high fashion.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – This month The Scoop News released its annual Hottest Guy of the Year award and let me be the first to say that I, for one, am not surprised at all. And I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who came up with this crazy thing, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, who is this years top Stud? Well, none other than Senator Orrin Hatch. Yes, that’s right. That crazy little Republican from Utah has won many hearts this year and the least of which is this humble reporter’s.

DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.