VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

PITTSBURGH, PA – A new survey conducted by the American Culinary Association (ACA) has confirmed what many in America have simply taken for granted: tacos are delicious.

WELLINGTON, VA – Local man Jefferson Porter rewarded his eight-year-old son with ice cream despite the fact that his son did not deserve any such reward.

LAS VEGAS, NV – With Las Vegas struggling to attract tourists, the city and its business leaders have begun to make changes that will hopefully bring more people to the city.

BETHESDA, MD – At a rally just outside of Bethesda, Jesus Christ announced to a gathered crowd of more than 35,000 that he wants the recently passed Health Care Reform legislation repealed.
“This so-called ‘health reform’ is illegal and un-American,” said Christ. “Obama and his team of communists have forced health care down our throats. This isn’t what I teach!”

EL CAJON, CA – The friends and family of Gary Kostisyn are almost unanimous in the feeling that Gary doesn’t get it. In a strongly worded letter from those that know him best, Kostisyn was warned to “get his shit together and figure it out.”

BOSTON, MA – A recent sociological study out of the Harvard University has concluded that 83% percent of Irish people are alcoholics.

BEIJING, CHINA – After several years of working through scenarios, China says it is strongly considering taking over the world in the next five to 10 years.
“We rook at evy-ting and we rearize tat (China) have evy-ting we need to take over word,” said Ma Zhaoxu, a spokesman for China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “So maybe (China) just do it. Maybe we just take over word. Who stop us? America can not stop us now.”

FAYETTEVILLE, AR – University of Arkansas English Professor Oliver Mueller has officially given up on correcting the English his student use in his classroom.

O. M. G! Can you believe this? It is I, your corpulent collaborator of cool, and I am back with another dishing of gossip and goodness.