Justin Bieber Linked to Drug Resistant Bacteria Infections

0 Comments

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infections and the increase in popularity of teen singing sensation Justin Bieber.

The article, written by physician and statistician Dr. Raj Gavaskar, MD, examines the steady increase of reported cases of MRSA infection every year since Bieber’s birth.

“My research team looked at the data of every year since Justin Bieber was born and the number of MRSA infections has increased. This can not be coincidence you see,” said Dr. Gavaskar. “The connection between Just Bieber and MRSA was first suspected by a colleague at Stanford but he has a young daughter and therefore was unable to research this. Every time he was trying to do research, his daughter would go wild and try to stop him. She once pulled out her own hair to make him stop. I have no young daughters so I can link Justin Bieber with this terrible bacteria.”

MRSA, a drug-resistant bacteria, causes an infection that is increasingly difficult to treat in humans. First identified in 1961, it wasn’t until the mid-90s the first reported cases of community-acquired MRSA were identified.

“Like Justin Bieber, MRSA is extremely dangerous and horrifying,” said Center for Disease Control and Prevention Director, Thomas R. Frieden, MD, MPH. “MRSA, like Justin Bieber… you just can’t get rid of it. Once it gets in you you’re screwed. Not literally of course. We are working day and night to find an affective treatment for MRSA and Justin Bieber. We don’t know if that will be one treatment or a combination but we are all working very hard to rid the world of both of these terrible, terrible afflictions.”

In the past year, as Justin Bieber’s popularity exploded, scientists have become more concerned about MRSA as infections in domestic animals have risen.

“The interesting thing is that with the presence of either Bieber himself, or even his music, MRSA flourishes,” said Dr. Gavaskar. “Farms that are close to schools or higher populations of teenage girls see a larger number of MRSA cases in domesticated animals. Homes with teenage girls see more cases of cats and dogs afflicted with MRSA. The difference is quite substantial. In fact, there is a case study of a cattle farm in dairy farm in Iowa that was about a half mile away from an all-girl Catholic school. Over 500 cows had some level of MRSA. That is just amazing to us.”

While the connection between MRSA and Bieber has been suspected for years, it wasn’t until Gavaskar received detailed information about Bieber’s early life that a firm connection could be established.

“Justin Bieber is from Canada and he was born in 1994,” said Dr. Gavaskar. “That’s all we needed to know. 1994 was when MRSA started to get much stronger and much more easily spread. Before 1994 we would see a case here, and a case there, but never in the numbers that we’ve seen since 1994. I would not be surprised to hear that the first reported death from MRSA in a hospital was at the hospital where Justin Bieber was born, probably on the day he was born. And in Canada, they have socialized medicine so once one person was infected with MRSA, the whole country was infected with MRSA.”

While the proof seems to be building, Bieber himself doesn’t seem to be fazed by news.

“You know, I don’t think that’s right, but even if it was, that’s pretty cool,” said Bieber. “I’m just out here doin’ my thing and trying to make some good friends and some good songs. Baby, life is crazy and just because I happen to be the living embodiment of one specific kind of bacteria doesn’t mean that it’s bad and I’m not gonna stop doing’ what I’m doin’. Also, I’m rich and I’ll soon have all your daughter’s souls.”

Comments

Name:
Email:
Comment:
Note: You must preview your comment first and then submit your comment. This is to trick the spambots.
Textile help
 

Back to Top