FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In an effort to assist a co-worker his sex life, secretary Jenny Hill offered relationship advice, despite the fact that she was not consulted. The advice, which included tips on how to “get her into the sack as soon as possible,” was initially ignored by the co-worker, forcing Hill to be more aggressive in her efforts to help.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move to ease the frustration of sitting in traffic, the city of Los Angeles is set to unveil its new accident warning system along a 100 mile stretch of I -5. The system, which will be comprised of video screens every mile, will broadcast any traffic accidents that are ahead.

GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House.

GURBER, AZ – The small town of Gruber, Ariz. was rescued this week from a menace that has plagued the quiet, mountain community for nearly 60 years. Corporate juggernaut Barnes and Noble Booksellers, much to the relief of the citizens, snuffed out the strong-arm business tactics of Blank Page Book Store once and for all.

KISSIMEE, FL- Inspired by the Blair Witch Project, three aspiring filmmakers from Florida have started their own production company, Sting Productions, and produced their own low-budget smash hit, which was filmed entirely on a hand held video camera. Just a little over a year ago, these three blokes had a Sony model camcorder, two 8mm tapes and twenty-five dollars. Now like the Blair Witch boys before them, they are millionaires.

BOSTON, MA – It seems that when tragedy strikes, it usually hits the way the Mob does, slow and painful, like a gun shot up the rectum. This week, the nation mourns the death of yet another Kennedy family member. Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy has died at the age of 48. A wife, Bunny Winestien-Kennedy, and two children, son Harvey and daughter Allia survive him.