TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”

NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair!

LANSING, MI – Local white, suburban, mother, Lisa Huller, is still considering several different excuses to not vote for the Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Baby Yoda is facing backlash and condemnation for a serious of controversial tweets the actor made in 2014 regarding suspected sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been stuck outside the White House for several hours as he tries to enter the building carrying a long stick.

WILMINGTON, DE – Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been taking dance lessons to learn the Macarena in an effort to appeal to America’s Latino youth.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A specialized cleaning crew has been called in to the Oval Office after White House staff discovered a large number of boogers that President Trump had smeared underneath the Resolute desk.

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”

HELL – In an effort to increase its public perception, Hell has begun offering social media influencers incentives for promoting Hell.