WASHINGTON, D.C. – What Republicans across the nation feared has come to pass as the new Democrat controlled Congress unleashed its gay loving, tree hugging, god hating, anti-American agenda on the American public.

CINCINNATI, OH – The recent wave of cartoon provoked violence has reached the United States as cartoonist Tom Wilson, the cartoonist responsible for the Ziggy cartoon, was rushed to a hospital for injuries received in an apparent attack. A group calling themselves People Against Shitty-ass Cartoons That Suck, or PASCTS, have claimed responsibility for the attack.

LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.

CINCINNATI, OH – After a short and relatively uneventful two years undercover as a secret shopper, Cincinnati resident Linda Newport, was exposed and immediately terminated by the Secret Shopper Information Agency.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In perhaps the most ironic moment in recent history, the heavy-metal rock band Anthrax was diagnosed with the deadly virus Anthrax. The infection was discovered Thursday as all members of the band reported to St Williams Hospital in Irvine, CA.

GURBER, AZ – The small town of Gruber, Ariz. was rescued this week from a menace that has plagued the quiet, mountain community for nearly 60 years. Corporate juggernaut Barnes and Noble Booksellers, much to the relief of the citizens, snuffed out the strong-arm business tactics of Blank Page Book Store once and for all.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Jesus Christ revealed earlier this week his intentions of pursuing legal action against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for illegal use of his name and image. Although speculation has been rampant for months, Christ made the decision public during a benefit for St. Luke’s Memorial Hospital Children’s Burn Ward.

HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.