Secret Shopper Gunned Down After Failed Mission

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CINCINNATI, OH – After a short and relatively uneventful two years undercover as a secret shopper, Cincinnati resident Linda Newport, was exposed and immediately terminated by the Secret Shopper Information Agency.

During a routine SSIA visit to a Safeway grocery store, Newport began acting out of character, making threatening remarks and demands to the store’s employees. When confronted by a Safeway manager, Newport revealed that she was a SSIA agent and continued demands.

“Dude, she was totally out of control,” said Safeway bagboy Eric Welt. “She came in here and demanded that we give her a discount and that we follow her around filling up her basket while she tooled around in one of those old-people carts pointing at shit. And she wasn’t even pointing with her finger, she was using a sausage link that she pulled out of her purse. You know, we usually don’t do these types of things, but she was a customer, so we kinda had too. But man, when wanted me to wipe her ass with different thicknesses of toilet paper we all told her to go to hell. That’s when she busted out saying stuff like ‘Do you know who I am?’ and ‘You better do this or I will have you fired.’ She was a total bitch. I’m kinda glad someone capped her in the parking lot.”

Shortly after exiting the store, Newport was shot 15 times in the parking lot. The shots reportedly came from inside an unmarked black van, which sped from the scene shortly after the shots were fired.

While the SSIA refused to comment on Newport’s termination, the company did release a statement on the in-store incident.

“At the SSIA, we strive to provide the best, most secret level of customer satisfaction. At no time are SSIA employees permitted to break cover, exposing themselves to the world. While it has happened several times in the past, it is always heartbreaking to loose one of our valuable employees. We’re not saying that Ms. Newport was a valuable employee, but we are saying that we agree with the swift and ruthless way her mysterious dispatchers dealt with her.”

After the incident the Safeway Manager told reporters that he has had no problems in the past with SSIA agents and most of the reports sent back to him from the SSIA have been positive.

“I have to beef with the SSIA. In fact, I value their work. But this lady, this… beast was something we will not put up with. Verbally attacking our employees and asking them to smear peanut butter on her nipples is unacceptable. I hope that fat bitch rots in Hell. And while she is there I hope Satan fucks her in the ass with a red-hot poker and makes her scream until she vomits.”


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