NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Local Finance Manager Johnathan Nichols says he doesn’t understand why it seems so many minorities are untrusting of police officers.

COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.

“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.

ATLANTA, GA – CNN has reluctantly switched their 24-hour news coverage away from the missing Malaysian Flight 370 to the developing story of a child who may or may not have lost his bicycle.

MOUNT VERNON, WA – A report recently released by the Department of Animal Rights and Welfare concludes that Lewis is bad dog.

BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.

WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”

“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.

NEW YORK, NY – In order to expedite reporting in the internet age, the Associated Press has approved and released templates to be used for reoccurring stories.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Travel agencies in the Philadelphia metropolitan area have begun offering Facebook vacation packages that give customers the opportunity to experience new and exciting things while still at home but not connected to Facebook in any way.

“Over the last couple years we’ve heard a lot of customers mention how they wish they could just take a vacation away from Facebook,” said travel agent Gloria Lagger.

NEW YORK, NY – Shortly after a list of MC Hammer’s 10 best songs that start with the letter ‘K’ was posted on a blog, all entertainment websites announced they would cease operations and shut down.