NEW YORK, NY – In a startling discovery, The Federal Bureau of Investigators has uncovered what is thought to be a sado-masochist “dungeon” located in the basement of the New York Police Departments headquarters.

WILMINGTON, WY – After years of searching and mass speculation centering around extraterrestrial visitors to earth, a race of alien beings has revealed themselves for the first time at the Wilmington Ramada Inn.

ANAHEIM, CA – In the single most unifying moment in the history of the world, almost every human being has come together to protest one single thing; The Disney Channels new show “Ain’t Them Minorities Stoopid?”

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – In a year marked by the deaths of sports legends Joe Dimaggio, Wilt Chamberlain, and Walter Payton, the most recent professional athlete to pass away is Former New York Yankee outfielder Leslie ‘Shep’ Shepardson, 64, at a strip club outside of Colorado Springs, Co.

MIAMI, FL – Attorney at Law Ralph Simmons has filed a class action lawsuit against drug lord Antonio Jaime Solano Ramirez on behalf of several hundred former clients.

SANTA MONICA, CA- Executives at Warner Brothers Studios announced plans earlier this week to make some drastic changes in it’s most popular show, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” The executives feel these changes are “intended to improve the shows already ‘hip’ image, and are exciting in this new direction.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives from Warner Brothers Studios have announced they will adopt a new affirmative action policy on all projects in the future and those currently in production.

GNOME, AK – Shocking and disturbing news came out of the North Pole this week as a witness stepped forward and exposed the described “hell hole” that is Santa’s Workshop.

ANAHEIM, CA – In response to the “call to boycott” and other allegations made recently by Rabbi Jacob Silverman of Universal Studios’ new attraction “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride,” Seagrams CEO Edgar Bronfman, Jr. released the following statement, this past Tuesday:

WASHINGTON, DC – Late last month, shocking and optimistic news was delivered to the world by scientists at the National Health Department. Virginity, one of the most debilitating diseases known to man, finally has a cure. While this news should be received with great joy, doctors are quick to point out that there is still a lot of testing that needs to be done.