BELLEVUE, WA – Amazon warehouse workers across the country will be receiving a special bonus this holiday season in the form of one extra adult diaper.
“(Amazon) employees are one of our top priorities and as this has been an extra challenging year for many of our employees, we decided that we should do what we can to help out – and that’s offering them an extra diaper so they can work more hours and therefore make more money to spend this wonderful holiday season on their families,” said Amazon Warehouse Manager, Teddy Bitner. “Typically, each employee only gets one diaper per week, so they have to use it wisely. You don’t want to go and shit in that thing right away because then you’ll have to have that shit on you for, like, six more days. Now that they’re getting that extra diaper, our employees will have so much more freedom and flexibility.”
According to an email sent to employees, all warehouse workers will receive an extra adult diaper at no cost, a thank you card, and a mini peppermint candy as a holiday bonus.
“It’s the holiday season and we wanted to get our employees something special,” said Amazon Chief Financial Officer, Ryan Hossen. “We could have given them extra money but if you look at it that’s pretty much exactly what we are doing. Now they don’t have to worry about lost wages because they had to pee or make a poopy. So, we kind of are giving them extra money in the form of no lost wages and at the same time we are also giving them the satisfaction that the money in their paycheck was earned with hard work, just like our god, Bezos, hallowed be thy name, intended. And they’re also getting a sweet treat. Everyone likes candy so really, they’re coming out ahead.”
All Amazon warehouse workers are given a free adult diaper at the beginning of their work week but next week, those employees will be offered a second adult diaper midway through the week.
“We asked our employees what would help them the most and almost all of the ones we asked said more diapers,” said Bitner. “I guess the one diaper we give them at the beginning of the week isn’t enough in some cases and employees are having to purchase their own diapers so they don’t have to take a break to use the restroom… because if they take a break we deduct that time from their hours and we broadcast a bathroom camera footage in the warehouse to discourage people from using the bathroom. But never mind all that. The important thing is that we are giving our employees something they really want as a special holiday bonus!”
Warehouse workers have had mixed reactions to the news of the holiday bonus with some happy to have an extra diaper and some upset that the bonus amounts to less than one dollar in total cost.
“It will be nice to have that extra diaper because by about Wednesday the diaper they already give us pretty much full,” said Amazon Warehouse worker, Shirly Dobbins. “So having that extra diaper will be good. Especially since last Christmas I had to spend 45 minutes in the bathroom after going out for Indian food with my friend the night before and then Amazon deducted that 45 minutes, the two minutes it took to get to the bathroom, the 25 minutes it took to explain myself to my shift manager, the two hours it took to fill out the performance write up, and the 15 minute review of bathroom use policies from my paycheck. We had a pretend Christmas last year but it’s OK since my kids are both under 10.”