LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman, Jenny McDavid, has spent the last four hours rearranging her office to ensure attendees on a video conference think McDavid has her shit together.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – First Lady Melania Trump is calling for expanded physical distancing, specifically within the White House, as the COVID-19 pandemic continues.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Democratic National Committee (DNC) leaders are scheduling urgent meetings to discuss how to get people to vote for candidates that the DNC wants them to vote for in the upcoming primaries instead of the candidates that the voter’s actually prefer.

OMAHA, NB – A local man has spent the last several hours trying, with limited success, to explain to his friend why listening to music on a vinyl record is better than streaming online.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local woman, Vanessa Perez, told friends that no matter what she gets for Valentine’s Day, she “won’t do that thing” her husband wants her to do.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump was seen passing notes stating “will u go 2 war with me?” to other world leaders during a recent global economic summit.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Mike Pence has been sent to a maintenance shop after aides forgot to plug the Vice President in to a power source before the long holiday vacation.

GLENDALE, AZ – After being visited by three ghosts, local businessman Walter Bandict, has announced that he will no longer offer his employees paid time off and medical benefits.

DALLAS, TX – The Stevenson family Christmas photo was ruined by the presence of an ugly baby.

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 800th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.