UNION BEACH, NJ – A compact disc, compiled of various songs by Joshua Kilm, was given to his girlfriend Jessica Wills last Thursday. After sampling the CD Wills realized there was more to the song selection than Kilm had originally admitted.

VATICAN CITY, ROME – Vatican officials announced Thursday that the Catholic Church would now recognize “free days” included in the observation of Lent. A “free day” is defined by the Catholic Church as a single designated day where the rules and beliefs behind Lent are put aside allowing Catholics to take a break from their lent sacrifice.

LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated 4 times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.

BEAUMONT, OR – In the tiny town of Beaumont, Oregon, a town that’s had only one murder in the past five years, two violent gangs have emerged and waged a bitter battle on the streets of the sleepy berg. The gangs, the East and West Side Saturn Clubs, have over run the town and have driven the 50,000+ residents into their homes.

DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.

CHICAGO, IL – Even though this holiday season is supposed to be a retailer’s worst nightmare, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the 10 hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. Since the terrorist attacks in September combined with the already sluggish economy, analysts have been predicting the usual fevered spending in the months prior to Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be at an all time low. The toy report is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

CHERRY HILLS, CO – With the purchase of a new Ford Expedition, Dirk and Shelley Benson have now solidified their position in Upper-Middleclass America. The purchase, the last in a series, finally completes the year long transformation from their previous status of Middleclass.

AMES, IA – Approximately 20 minutes after applying a temporary tattoo, 9-yerar-old Joshua Kelley went on what witnesses describe as “a thug-like rampage of destruction and complete disregard for his fellow students.”

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Associates of Wilson McMichaels have put the openly gay Chili’s waiter on notice for failure to meet “funny-flaming-gay-man” expectations. The notice, issued late last week, is stated to be a result of McMichaels decidedly “non-gay” appearance and personality.