ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.

NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”

CHICAGO, IL – Despite the gloomy forecast for this year’s holiday spending, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the eight hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. The increased toy sales is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

CLINTON, OH – As the debate over the teaching of the origin of life continues, a new, more radical theory is beginning to push its way to the forefront and is starting to become widely accepted. The theory, called “the Cabbage Patch Theory” argues that man first came from cabbage fields located in Cleveland, GA.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Just days after appearing in the desert outside of Tadmur, the alternate universe version of George W. Bush has taken control of Syria by an undisputed win in the countries general election held last week.

SURPRISE, AZ – Every year at this time a fascinating phenomena occurs and this year scientists from the National Old Person Research Center are poised to get a closer look then they ever have before. As the northern parts of the U.S. cool down, old Americans migrate south in an effort to escape the cold. This migration is commonly referred to as flight of the snowbirds.

DURANGO, CO – Less than three months after buying a Black Labrador Retriever puppy, local woman Gail Freiberg, has expressed dissatisfaction with both the puppy and the decision to adopt the puppy.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

AUSTIN, TX – With the recent explosion of controversy as cities and states consider the legalization of gay marriages, Texas Senator Dale Williams has introduced a bill into Congress that will forever remove the word “Homo” for the term “Homo-sapiens” and make the union of same sex partners a federal crime.

SHOWTONE, RI – A small group of career counselors have come together to help American soldiers, disabled in the recent Iraq War, return to a normal life and find meaningful employment. This group, called Transitions, works with disabled soldiers to find the best fit for a new job.