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NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”

“We were shocked, flat out shocked,” said Jordan Hope, Editor In Chief of People Magazine. “This is the 29th year that we’ve put together this list and every year till now it’s been the same things – lose weight and quit smoking. Those things are all well and good but they are so boring. Those are the things that people think they should be doing. This year we finally got an entire list of honest answers, things people really want to do this year. And right at the top of that list is fuck more. Everyone likes to ride the beef bus to Tuna town, take the Hershey Highway to Browntown or watch lesbians have sex. This year people are finally admitting that they want to do it more.”

Aside from having more sex, entries two through eight were also new entries to the list, with “lose weight” coming in at number nine.

Coming in second on the list of most popular New Year resolutions is “Watch more TV.” The rest of the list included: (3) “Learn to make Meth,” (4) “Spend less time at work,” (5) “See every movie starring Owen Wilson,” (6) “Kill another human to feel what god feels,” (7) “Sell Meth to buy a kick-ass stereo system that will allow me to bang more chicks and/or dudes,” (8) “Get really, really good at poker and win $100,000 in Las Vegas,” (9) “Lose weight,” (10) “Finish my book.”

“This list shows that Americans just aren’t happy with the status quo anymore,” said Harvard professor of Sociology, Bill Sharp. “As a people we have turned more from sheep, doing what people expect us too, into foxes that do what ever we want. I think the last presidential election is the cause. People just assumed that they should vote for George Bush because we were at war and look where we are now. Now those same people are anti-Bush and acting out the things they want to do. Just look at numbers three and seven on the list: Learn to make Meth and sell Meth to buy a kick ass stereo system that will allow me to bang more chicks and/or dudes. It’s a simple case of people expressing themselves and I for one like it.”

With new, more honest resolutions being more popular, people across the country are more optimistic about the upcoming year.

“This year will be the year I get a lot of things done that I’ve always wanted to do,” said Albany car salesman Louie Ganolt. “I learned how to make Meth a couple years ago but I never really got into it like I wanted… with work and all. So this is the year I do it right. I’m gonna make some Meth, sell it and get me a kick-ass stereo so’s I can bang me some hot chicks – or the occasional dude.”