Alternate Universe Bush Given Complete Control of Syria
Published February 2005 0 Comments | Share:
Syrian Leader, Alternate Universe George W. Bush, gives his acceptance speech.
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Just days after appearing in the desert outside of Tadmur, the alternate universe version of George W. Bush has taken control of Syria by an undisputed win in the countries general election held last week.
Alt. Universe Bush, distinguishable from this Universe’s Bush by the presence of a goatee, won the election with a total of 97% of the vote. As the Syrian people welcomed the new leader, Alt. Universe Bush said he will lead his country to victory and is determined to punish the United States for its “human rights violations, possession of nuclear weapons and state sponsorship of terrorism.”
“There are a lot of things wrong in this world and a lot of them come from that place over there… the United States of America,” said Alt. Universe Bush in his acceptance speech. “And you know what? We have a saying where I come from. Underneath every rock is a, one of those, um… things that isn’t gonna be very nice. And that thing is the U.S.”
White House reaction to the new Syrian leader and Alt. Universe Bush has thus far been that of skepticism.
“Where ever this ‘Alternate Universe Bush’ came from is probably somewhere stupid, so we will just wait it out,” said Karl Rove, Deputy Chief of Staff. “And if he truly is the mirror of our President Bush, well, then he should be relatively easy to beat… unless you are a Democrat. Ha, man, that will never gets old. Anyways, if they are in fact opposites, we know every weakness that he has. All we have to do is look at our Bush and what makes him strong, because that will automatically make the alternative Bush weak. We’ve got the coke and booze, now all we need is a hooker with three nipples.”
While the President has thus far remained quiet on the subject, many in the Senate are preparing for the worst.
“We have no idea who this guy is and by all accounts he looks to be an evil, well… more evil I guess, version of our Bush,” said Democratic Senator Jeff Bingamen (NM). “I am terrified that the two will just egg each other on until we are in a full blown war. Can you imagine that? Our Bush calling their Bush’s mom a whore. Even when in some weird way, he’s calling his own mom a whore. Man it’s confusing. All I know is that’s the last thing we need is a war mongering Bush… another one I mean.”
Despite the likelihood of knowing all his weaknesses, Alt. Universe Bush is not worried about an attack from America.
“Bring it on, bitches,” Alt. Universe Bush said. “This will be the fourth Universe where I kicked some Bush butt. If there is one thing I am good at, its being good at kicking my own ass. Well, not mine, but you know what I mean.”
Many World leaders have come out in support of this Universes Bush, however, many more have come out in favor of the Alt. Universe Bush.
“This new guy, how you say, makes me feel like a schoolgirl in a rainstorm,” said French President Jacques Chirac. “That’s a saying we have here in France that means I’m excited. (Alt. Universe Bush) has a goatee and everyone in France knows that people with goatees are all good. Bon!”
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