LAS VEGAS, NV – The Excalibur Hotel and Casino is set to debut the highly anticipated new show, the Blew Man Group. The show features four men, painted head to toe in blue paint, giving each other blow jobs.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Undeterred by a less than attractive facial appearance, John Lewdig, US West Order Coodinator, was classified as “fuckable” by fellow co-worker and single mother Janice Jamison.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Promising change, Barack Obama won the presidency last year, and taking office this month, Obama has already issued several major changes to the United States which have many Caucasian-Americans concerned.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, OH – Manufacturers are working feverishly on an upgrade to the software installed in the SkyNet Cyborg model XX1331, more commonly referred to as Governor Sarah Palin. The Republican Party is putting pressure on SkyNet to resolve a number of issues as the party is becoming less and less happy with its recent purchase of a Palin.

LOS ANGELES, CA – An animal rights group has begun protesting outside of Warner Brothers Studios demanding the immediate stop of all animal cruelty in its productions, including the popular Looney Tunes cartoons.

CLEVELAND, OH – A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend’s nanny is from South Africa.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.

BOSTON, MA – After an exhaustive five year study, a research team from Harvard University has been able to prove a link exists between overweight people and an “insane love for food.”

WATSONS GLENN, VA – A Valentine’s Day gift given to Jessica Berg by her boyfriend Adam Benjamin has forced Berg to reevaluate the couple’s relationship. The gift, edible panties, is regarded by Berg as “fuckin’ bullshit.”