PAMONA, CA – Former child star Corey Feldman has threatened to leak emails from numerous Hollywood studios unless those studios agree to make more movies starring Corey Feldman.

“If I’m not starring in at least one feature film by the end of next week I will release these emails that I have,” said Feldman. “I’m not messing around here. I’m fucking serious! I have emails from all of Hollywood so no one will be safe!”

BUFFALO, NY – After several years of attempting to destroy Buffalo, New York, Mother Nature has asked the city’s population what it will take to get rid of the city once and for all.

RENO, NV – For the 1,093rd year in a row Jesus Christ has not received a birthday gift or a call on his birthday from his father.

DALLAS, TX – Local 10-year-old Jacob Entwhurst has informed his parents that he may have contracted Ebola that he should be quarantined for the next month.

WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.

“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.

NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.

OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.

“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 600th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

PORTLAND, OR – Writers for the popular website The Scoop News are in the process of writing a very self-congratulatory story to celebrate the paper’s 15th anniversary.

COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.

“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.