COLUMBIA, SC – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley says she is looking forward to a long campaign and ultimately losing the nomination to an old, white man later this year.
“Since I was a little girl all I ever wanted was to lose the presidential nomination to an old, white man,” said Haley. “I’m honored that I’ll be able to do that this year. I’m not sure which white man I’ll lose the nomination to, but I know, we all know, that I will lose the nomination to a white man. The key takeaway here though is that… after all of these years working hard to get to where I am… I will realize my life-long dream of losing the presidential nomination to a man. And I can finally say to all you little girls out there, dreams do come true!”
Although Haley will lose the nomination to a white man, she considers her campaign worthwhile and a good way to see what important white men go through to become President.
“Knowing what the men go through to become presidential nominees is important as it will help me in my roll of a woman supporting those men,” said Haley. “I was there for part of the 2016 race, and I saw a little of it, but I was busy doing ‘woman’ things like caring for the kids and cooking dinners for all the candidates. And cleaning. But to be on the other side now will be a real challenge, especially since I will still be expected to do all the ‘woman’ things on top of all the candidate things. It’s going to be tough, and in the end I’m sure that I won’t be able to keep up, but I will be able to show girls and women everywhere that the Presidency is really only suitable for old, white men. And that is just as important as actually winning the nomination.”
To reassure Republicans nationwide, Haley reinforced her commitment to her “woman and wifely duties” even though she is dedicating a large amount to time to her campaign.
“Everyone thinks that just because I’m running for President that I’m going to just forget my place,” said Haley. “That is so far from the truth that it’s almost come back around on the other side to become true again. I promise I will still do the things that, as a Republican, I have to do as a woman. Yes I will still service my man at any request. Yes, I will cook dinner for my man and all his friends and get them beers whenever they need one. No, they will not have to ask for those beers because as a woman I have that sense to know when my man needs another beer. Yes, I will get knocked up on accident and then have a secret abortion all while telling the poor people that abortion is bad. Like I said, I will not compromise my morals just because I’m going to lose the presidential nomination.”
Haley has also updated her campaign slogan to “Yes, We Can… Until A Man Takes Over!”
“I know that I’ll get a bit of blowback because my slogan is so close to the anti-christ’s, I mean (President Barak) Obama’s, but it’s ok, because I’m pretty sure that he stole it first,” said Haley. “If there’s one thing that I know about (African Americans) is that they steal things. Like everything. So, I’m just being a good racist, Christian and stealing it back for the good, non-minority people of this country.”
Haley’s sentiments are largely shared with her supports as many of them say they are also looking forward to voting for a white man during local primaries.
“I tell you what, I like that Haley woman,” said South Carolina Republican voter, Gene Sewed, 62. “She’s got a good, white head on her shoulders and I really like what she has to say. It’s going to be my greatest pleasure come the Primaries to not cast a vote for her.”