WASHINGTON D.C., – Although severe cases and hospitalizations have decreased in recent months, scientists are the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say that COVID is still a valid excuse to not see relatives at Thanksgiving.
“It may seem like it’s just not a big deal now and well, we are hopefully past the worst of it at this point but it’s important to know that COVID is definitely still an excuse to not see your family at Thanksgiving,” said CDC Chairman Reginald Philips. “Regardless of what your family thinks about COVID you can, and should, use it as an excuse to not see your family.”
The CDC announced last week that it will be publishing a long list of warnings and recommendations to assist those planning to use COVID as an excuse to not see family this Thanksgiving.
“We are finalizing the new guidance documents now and hope to have them available by weeks end,” said CDC Spokesperson, Charlette Gabreed. “We are trying to be as comprehensive as possible so people that are concerned about catching and spreading COVID can find enough excuses to not visit family as someone who thinks COVID is a hoax. It’s a bit tricky, but fortunately most of the people that think COVID is a hoax can’t read. Or are already dead because they got COVID.”
According to Stanford University Sociology Professor, Dr. Ian Pfifer, Americans have been increasingly in need of excuses to skip Thanksgiving dinners with their family since 2016.
“Well you remember Trump happened, and then COVID happened and now with the whole thing going on in Israel and Gaza… people all across this country really just don’t want to see some members of their family,” said Pfifer. “That’s why this announcement from the CDC is so important. It’s a strong reminder that COVID is still impacting this world and therefore a completely reliable excuse to not visit family.”
The new guidance from the CDC is being welcomed by many as it appears as though the CDC is giving them permission to still use the disease to get out of uncomfortable, and in most cases, unwanted social interactions.
“Yeah, typically I would go to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving buy I know my uncle is going to be there this year,” said Ethan Jerome, a resident of Annapolis, MD. “He went all MAGA a few years back and he’s just a complete asshat to be around now. He was always racist but not in an overt way. Now? He lets that shit fly like it’s his sole purpose in life. Last year I forgot that he was going to be there so I went and, I shit you not, he spent the entire time talking about how the Canadians are trying to invade America and take our jobs. So yeah, it’s nice that the CDC has given me an ‘out’ this year.”
President Biden told reporters that he is planning on using COVID as an excuse to not see some of his family during the upcoming holidays.
“Look… COVID is still out there. It’s still going around and making people very ill. So you bet I’ll be using that as an excuse to not see some of my nephews and nieces and their weirdo families,” said Biden. “Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to see them, I’m just getting older and at this point in my life the last thing I want to do is catch COVID or hear my nephew Billy’s crazy pitch for a new million dollar idea. I don’t have time for that.”
As of press time, the CDC had yet to finish the new guidelines, but The Scoop News has been assured that they will be ready well before the holidays.