TORONTO, CANADA – The NHL announced that starting next year advertising will be added to every available spot on the ice, boards, and uniforms.
“Some of our advertisers did some research and their research found that NHL fans love advertisement. Almost as much as they love hockey,” said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman. “And because we care about our fans above all else we will give them what they want and cover everything possible in ads. Don’t say we don’t listen to our fans! And thanks to our advertisers for bringing this to our attention. They are the real heroes.”
The advertising will be visible both live and on televised games. Televised games will also incorporate additional animation to some ads.
“We are going to take advantage of some really great, new technology and have three or four moving ads on the screen at all times,” said NHL Technical Director, Scott Derrikson. “It will make for a really great viewing experience as so much will be going on at the same time! So much excitement and movement. Seriously, if you thought hockey was exciting before, let me tell you, you haven’t seen anything yet! People might accidentally forget to watch the game and just watch the ads! Just kidding. Maybe.”
The NHL has lined up more than 1,200 new advertisers that will be featured on the ice or on team uniforms.
“Basically, the second that we announced our intentions for next season, we began getting calls,” said Bettman. “Companies came out of the woodwork to advertise with us because, since we’re going to have so much more, we can cut companies a great deal. Got a local store you want advertised? Call us. Hell, want to advertise your podcast on Sidney Crosby’s back? Call us, it’ll be cheap.”
The NHL Players Association is supporting the new advertisement model.
“The increase in ads means an increase in revenue and an increase in revenue means an increase in player salary,” said NHLPA Executive Director, Marty Walsh. “And, look, this sport is dangerous as hell and most players have a two to three year career so the players need to get in, get paid, and get out. Maybe win a cup. But mostly get paid so they can have money to cover a lifetime of medical expenses. Have you ever seen a 24-year-old former hockey player? It’s not pretty.”
NHL fans say they don’t care about the new advertising model, with many saying they have long since given up hope that the NHL cares about providing a fun, enjoyable viewing experience.
“Whatever,” said Allen Ball. “It costs more than $400 for two people to go to a single hockey game in most cities. For years we have been bombarded by ads everywhere and recently we’ve had betting aps shoved in our faces so… whatever. The only thing I care about is that Evander Kane doesn’t get a cup because fuck that guy.”
In addition to the visual advertising, TV announcers will also advertise sports betting websites apps and give a sports betting odds update every two minutes.