WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced last week the government’s plan to bailout the struggling Lehman brothers, Jim and Hank, of Baltimore, MD. The Lehman brothers have found themselves in economic trouble after two years of extravagant living, causing the government to sit up and take action before the Lehman brother’s assets are liquidated.

SEDONA, AZ – Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection to Jesus Christ.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.

TOKYO, JAPAN – A Japanese electronics firm, Nagisariko, has created the first penis implants that will allow men to control movie clips, either on a computer or DVD, while they masturbate.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.

WASHINGTON, DC – With no clear front-runner for the Republican Presidential candidate, several GOP members have called a back-up plan into action and have reanimated former President Ronald Reagan.

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.

SACRAMENTO, CA – After deadly wildfires wreaked havoc in Southern California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in conjunction with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, unveiled a plan to stop current fires and eliminate the possibility of future fires. The main focus of the plan is to “remove anything that burns” from the California landscape.